Tuesday, November 13, 2007
Much Ado about Everything
Hello out there my soon to be rabid fans. This newspaper, in its infinite wisdom, is
allowing me the opportunity to present the introduction of a new and illuminating column that will differ from anything hitherto in print. It differs in that it will not be remotely concerned about anybody's opinion but my own. After all, whose column is it? The subjects that will be covered will be ones that interest me. If you, the reader, should feel the urge to respond to my opinions, please exercise restraint and forget about it, I don't have time to deal with idiots. There are columnists, to use the term loosely, who feel compelled to establish rapport with their readers in a futile attempt to gain their approval.
I harbor no such fantasies. I don't need anybody's approval, because I don't need this lousy paying job in the first place. Come to think of it, I don't recall anybody mentioning money. Well, aside from that, I will offer a wide range of topics for you to reflect on, not respond to, mind you, reflect on. As I've already said, if you were paying the least bit of attention, I don't want to hear from you under any circumstances.
My editor has assured me that if he receives any positive response from anybody out there about my going forward with my column, he will allow me to do so. He also said he would turn in his resignation and volunteer for duty in Iraq for night patrol in Baghdad.
So there it is, my potential groupies. Mr. Cline, our executive editor will be standing by for your answer. If the answer is yes, he has promised to pay my bail and set me up in the nearest office to the exit door. If the answer is no, you all know what you can do.
allowing me the opportunity to present the introduction of a new and illuminating column that will differ from anything hitherto in print. It differs in that it will not be remotely concerned about anybody's opinion but my own. After all, whose column is it? The subjects that will be covered will be ones that interest me. If you, the reader, should feel the urge to respond to my opinions, please exercise restraint and forget about it, I don't have time to deal with idiots. There are columnists, to use the term loosely, who feel compelled to establish rapport with their readers in a futile attempt to gain their approval.
I harbor no such fantasies. I don't need anybody's approval, because I don't need this lousy paying job in the first place. Come to think of it, I don't recall anybody mentioning money. Well, aside from that, I will offer a wide range of topics for you to reflect on, not respond to, mind you, reflect on. As I've already said, if you were paying the least bit of attention, I don't want to hear from you under any circumstances.
My editor has assured me that if he receives any positive response from anybody out there about my going forward with my column, he will allow me to do so. He also said he would turn in his resignation and volunteer for duty in Iraq for night patrol in Baghdad.
So there it is, my potential groupies. Mr. Cline, our executive editor will be standing by for your answer. If the answer is yes, he has promised to pay my bail and set me up in the nearest office to the exit door. If the answer is no, you all know what you can do.
